today’s shower

I’ve been writing poems for things I want to say that I don’t understand. I’ve been writing poems for things that I have to get out of the shower to write, in the Notes app on my phone, holding the phone far from my wet body. I’ve been writing poems about things that just thinking about has helped me learn about them. What does it mean when the things that happen in my brain, somehow gain weight as I assigned them words? Or as I can’t? Or try to? Some things don’t have words. I learn from these—anti-words, these, negative spaces. In fourth grade my writing teacher told me to never use “things” and a few years later music gave me my first sense of belonging and told me to break the rules. So, I almost got a tattoo once that said “break the rules” and I don’t know if I regret not doing it or not. My favorite author told me to question everything, and I believed him. I’ve been trying to write the perfect poem. Or maybe I’ve just been trying to not write a bad one. I can’t take feedback right now. Why does it matter if my poem is a good poem? Who defined these rules of good? Well, I hope you like this. I’ve been told this is universal, so, I don’t feel special. Do I want to feel special? When I feel special I feel alone. I think maybe writing about this might make me a little more special. No. My theatre director said I’m not different. She said only that I’m brave, and that just makes me hate everyone else’s coward. Brave is a complement I cannot always hear. My ears and my brain get a little mixed up sometimes. I was told that writing about writing is juvenile. Ok. I wasn’t told that. I assumed that. But that feels real. I’m trying to understand what it means when things feel the way they feel. I’ve been trying to feel. I’ve been trying to trust. I don’t know what that means but I’ve been trying. I’ve also been trying to not try, because my zen teacher said so. It feels good to believe him. But, my life coach said I have to get away from good and bad, but I feel too bad at it to start trying. Or not trying. Or…feeling, not thinking. Not sure. I’ve been told that I can’t think about feelings like I can feel feelings but I’ve been told I dissociate and I can’t feel a lot usually. Some guy on Facebook Live said to not avoid the feelings, so, writing this makes me feel crazy, and, maybe you are too. Writing this feels good. I’ve been working under assumptions, that I can’t decide real. My therapist told me nothing is real. She didn’t say that. I assumed that. I think that. If nothing is real, how can I trust myself?